Spring Cleaning

I'm not sure whether it's the warmer weather or insane sinus production from a rampant virus, but my days recently almost seem out of body, a mix between reflection and movie. The feeling is compounded by excessively vivid dreams which are likely the result of a prescription drug but leave my awake state a confusion of reality versus subconscious imagination. I've had more than one occasion where I honestly can't remember if my memory of an event in fact actually happened in my awake life. Trippy, really, but something I've come to accept as a side effect, and far less destructive than the heart-gripping anxiety of drug-free living.

Today I cleaned out a part of my car I had obviously not touched in years and found receipts and notes evidence of real memories my mind had long since packed away. They were reminders not only of places and people which are no longer a part of my life, but a time in which I was quite a different person. The car is less than five years old, which made me shake my head at how quickly life can change you.

Most items were things which I cared to hang onto, bits of fondness and good times, as most reminders of negativity I am all too quick to trash. I try to live my life with no regret. I recycle, support charitable causes, volunteer and try to find the best in every person. Why then was it not until today that I allowed myself to block out positive attributes of a person who hurt me? This person had changed as well, and in a way that left me hurt and disappointed questioning my belief in him. I've allowed myself to carry this feeling of deception wound up inside like a wad of anger, overshadowing the years of goodness he brought to my life.

It's invariably been toxic, and while his ways have obviously changed, I've decided to acknowledge that he is likely still the inherently good person he once was and see his new ways and nothing more than coping mechanisms or facades. I choose today, instead of looking at the bad, to remember the good.

And I also vow to acknowledge that life can change you at any and all speeds, and above all I should never allow my own happiness to be shadowed or twisted by another. These are the days of new life breaking through the old. While the fallen branches and old growth should not be ignored, they must also not stand in the way of the potential for a full life.

Anything But Thumb Twiddling

Well, it's been quite a while since my last post. This could either be a result of disinterest, lack of randomness in my life, or forgetting my blogger.com password. However, I'd like to credit an overwhelming flood of social engagements, random life occurrences, and progression towards a career (yes, one which actually involves monetary net gain.)

While deciding whether to pursue a Masters in Fine Art, I continued to drive the tow truck which brought health insurance into my needy life. At the suggestion of photographic mentors at Maine Media College, I signed up for photography workshops, entered an entirely new way of approaching the camera and subject and began a spiritual journey led by my Nikon.

On my 30th birthday I sat on a plan bound for Albuquerque, enjoyed fellow passengers signing to me along with a boisterous flight attendant, and picked up a hitch hiker which led me to my first documentary photograph (right.) Sonia was stranded, unable to rent a car without a credit card, in search of her husband who left the family abruptly in search of answers he believed could be found amongst peace loving hippies gathered in the desert for a Rainbow Festival. No goodbye, no notes, no promise of ever being seen again.

With the aid of a private investigator, Sonia was able to track his location, borrowed money from his parents to fly out, and was left with $200 to her and little Noemi's name. Her destination: Cuba, NM. Her hope: to find her husband among the thousands, have him look into Noemi's eyes and realize he couldn't leave them.

I took her on the ride to Santa Fe, smuggled her and her baby into my dorm room, stole food from the dining hall and took pictures the whole way. She left a day later having found a friend to lend a credit card. Her phone number has since been disconnected, and I suspect I'll never find out her destiny.

My summer began with the most unexpected, however. I started dating someone! I had absolutely no desire, or intention, but continue to be awed by how wonderful a relationship can truly be. No more feelings of making sacrifices in my life, or the need to please someone constantly with little in return. Since his entrance into my world, adventures have flourished. Trips into Boston to ride the carousel at midnight, lake jumping, folk festivals, playing arcade games soaking wet after a rogue ocean wave attacked, mountain biking at Lake Champlain, introduction to sushi, romantic getaways to historic mountain inns, ziplines through the forest, night time snow shoeing, bargain hunting at Cabela's, camping out in the freezing cold of Acadia, bomb school in New Mexico, summer concerts, and dinner parties.

The good news? He pushes me towards the unexpected, such as:
Channel 9 news clip

Manly Accomplishments

My independence has been pointed out to me recently. And while I've been single for a bit now, I guess I've always taken on the "man" jobs by myself. My first sentence was, "Do it myself!" so it only seems appropriate that I continue to face obstacles with the same stubborn fervor.

This week's accomplishments include: changing the locks on the house, installing baseboard molding, changing the garage door code, replacing the wireless keypad, installing new shower heads, aerating the faucets, fixing a leaky toilet, replacing shear pins on the snow blower, stripping wallpaper, painting, even building a fire in the wood stove and grilling. In my near future is fixing the hot water issue in the bathroom, building shelves in the kitchen, moving furniture, buying vice grips...and who knows what else!

It's no wonder one of my riders in the tow truck this week (with no introduction) said, "So, were you, like, a tomboy or something as a kid?" I just laughed.

However, I don't want to be intimidating or macho, and do enjoy dressing up (although I'm rarely faced with the opportunity.) So, how do I counterbalance my manliness?

I bake. I made oatmeal raisin cookies for the guys at the firehouse, Hungarian cookies for my neighbors. I made breakfast and lunch for a friend, and whip up homemade pasta dishes for myself. This morning was raspberry pancakes, last week was stuffed french toast with artisan bread. And soon I'll be plucking juicy morsels from my garden to expand my creative palate!

And once, every so often, when the full moon is beaming and Kula's toes are crossed, I wear makeup! I brush my hair (yes, I own a hairbrush), slip on a top which requires ironing and high heels. And when the moon is blue, I add earrings to the mix.

My goal is to make these occasions more frequent, although New Hampshire isn't exactly the hotbed of trendiness, and even the most exclusive restaurants welcome jeans.

So, in the meantime, I embrace my abilities to cross the gender barriers, and am quite happy changing my own oil, rotating my tires and preparing a cheese souffle!

Relationship Goals

I wrote this a few months ago, wanting it to serve as a guideline for my expectations of a partner and myself in a relationship. As I embrace bachelorette-hood, I continue to refine and add onto the list, and strive to never settle. My hope is that everyone may have a list of their own, and one day be able to place a check mark next to each goal.

Relationship Goals

1. Financial security/responsibility

Have similar financial goals: being debt-free, paying bills in a timely manner, budgeting money and saving.

Purchase wisely, not impulsively, focusing on necessities and benefit of purchases to relationship.

2. Happiness

Be able to stand alone and be upbeat, and have the ability to be happy without any external dependency.

Don’t allow adversity to break down the ability to smile.

Confidence.

Maintain a positive attitude.

Be spontaneous.

Embrace the unknown and look on as an adventure.

3. Cleanliness/Organization

Cleaning up after self.

Maintain organization of personal belongings, and don’t accumulate clutter.

Take initiative on housework and pride in home space.

Be creative.

4. Family Goals

Want to build a family.

Be able to take equal responsibility in raising children.

Commit to instill values and give love no matter what personal dilemmas may arise.

Work together to meet family needs.

Create traditions.

Have family dinner nightly and work together to achieve it.

5. Partnership

Share everything with one another, especially finances.

Realize that what affects one person affects the other and the relationship.

Work towards goals as a unit.

Support partner through actions not just words.

Listen and be patient.

Learn about and from your partner continuously.

Share interests, but also take an interest in what they are passionate about.

Take the lead.

Always make time for one another.

Have no regrets.

Hug.

6. Morals/Values

Be open minded and accepting of God’s creations.

Love and forgive.

Care about the world and strive to make a difference on small everyday level.

Hold family closer than anything else in the world and let them know it through actions and words.

7. Spirituality

Maintain a strong sense of spirituality, and spend alone time each day getting in touch with it.

Share it with your partner.

Feel as though your partner is a gift to your spiritual life.

8. Sex/Intimacy

Show passion for your partner on a regular basis.

When it’s hard to find, open up to exploration.

Realize actions speak louder than words.

Never be afraid to show the world your love.

Hold hands.

Stare into each other’s eyes.

Share a moment.

Be thankful.

Aim to please your partner before yourself.

Learn how.

Communicate.

Commit to quality time on weekly basis.

Show appreciation.

9. Health

Take care of your body, and support your partner in the same. Work together.

Eat well, and be open to new things. Realize what habits you form affects your partner.

Allow food to bring you together.

Embark on new forms of fitness together.
Work out together.

Give each other massages.

10. Self

Love yourself.

Love your life.

Wake up excited.

You're a girl!

So, I've been a tow truck driver for just over two months, and it ceases to amuse me. I joked that I should do a photo essay on people's expressions when they see me coming to their rescue, but honestly maybe I should!

Today I pulled up on scene of a 79 year-old woman whose Buick refused to start. I punched myself on location in the computer before jumping out. Standing about twenty feet away, she lifted up her sunglasses just high enough to squint with her naked eyes and exclaim, "Are you a girl?" Fortunately she was rather excited by the prospect, shaking her fist in the air with a "good for you!"

Before that I backed myself into a narrow driveway, loaded up a Chevy Blazer, and welcomed the owner into my passenger seat for the 18 mile tow. His opening line once inside my truck was, "Do you have nine children?" Any hope of a tactful response was shocked right out of me and I looked right at him with a, "WHAT? Where the heck did that come from?" Apparently the last AAA driver to pick him up had nine children, so he assumed me to be the owner of those unfortunate child-bearing hips. All I can say is, thank God for living far outside the realm of trucking stereotypes!

A few days ago I loaded up a Chrysler minivan (notice a trend here? Don't buy American!), which to my surprise was driven by a 24 year-old man. His mother and sister were there to help him, and good 'ol mom just couldn't stop exclaiming, "You're a girl truck driver! Look, she's a girl!" She took the cigarette out of her mouth to shout it to her daughter who managed a pre-coffee "Yeah, girl power!" with a shake of her fist. I loaded the minivan while dodging their apparent family drama. Then mom told her son, "Chris, you have to go with her. She's a GIRL!" "Yes, Mom, I can see that, thanks."
So I had the pleasure of driving him back to their house while giving him as little info as possible to all his personal questions, and trying to stay neutral while he went on about how guilty he felt making me (a girl) crawl under his van. "I should've been doing that for you!"

The best is when I arrive at repair shops. I always head straight for the service desk to ask where they'd like me to off-load their latest paycheck. However, despite my uniform and reflective vest, an overwhelming number of them assume I'm a car owner dropping off my own vehicle and they tell me to come fill out paper work and explain what's wrong with my car. I have to tell them, "No, I've got a car on my truck for you, where should I drop it?"

A few repair men have stared at me, smiled and said, "When did AAA start hiring attractive women?" I reply, "It's part of our new customer satisfaction program."

For one drop-off at a repair shop, I grew an audience. A woman stood with her two little girls in the parking lot watching the whole darn thing. After I finished she told me her girls had stopped her saying, "But mommy, she's so pretty" fascinated at how I could be driving a truck.

And of course, there are the men who stop at nothing to let me know they're single. Although, ironically, the first phone number I got was a woman's! Christine and her Golden Retriever, Ugo were passengers, and she urged me to join her dog walking group which took hikes on weekends.
After that, a mechanic asked me how many phone numbers I'd gotten, thinking I was hit on all the time. I told him, just one woman's. He handed me his and said, "Just so you have a man's."

Since then I've been invited to watch a guy play with his band, a couple invited me to their St. Patty's Day house party, a Kenyan spent 60 miles discussing American politics, I've backed up into two parked cars, changed a woman's tire whose car was so dirty I couldn't find the emergency brake, been told I "rock", offerred a job delivering large repair trucks for Verizon and Comcast, been winked at, called "hon", "sweetie", and "beautiful"...the list goes on.

If I ever had self-confidence issues, working in a job where the typical employee is thought to be a hygenically-challenged, intellectually inept, gruff bully with a beer gut and missing teeth has resolved them all!

The Samaritan

Today I met a man while towing his friend's car away. My encounter spanned but a few minutes, but I found my thoughts reverting back to his humble presence time and again over the course of my 11 hours in the truck.

He was my first "victim" and I found him parked behind the broken down car, in his own beat up POS (piece of shit.) He greeted me with a certain joviality that I don't believe anyone should have so early in the morning, regardless of their BCLs (blood caffeine levels.) While some might find it annoying, I was pleased, since I probably wanted to be standing beside the snow covered shoulder dodging traffic about as much as he.

His story? He's that guy that everyone calls when they need a hand. He comes to his friends' rescue at least a few times a week, and doesn't seem to ask for anything in return, almost acting as though he doesn't deserve it anyway. A manager at FedEx, not even his office has his cell number because he can't find the time to handle their problems outside of his closest pals.

My first reaction should have been, "Wow, what a great guy to have as a friend." In fact, I even jokingly asked for his number saying I could use a "Shit, who do I call?" person. However, the thought which invaded my mind before all others was, "This poor bastard." He's so busy helping everyone else that he totally neglects himself. He drives a car which sounds like it's yearning to be 6 feet under, dresses with more abandon than most guys I went to college with, and has bags under his eyes which were more full than the ones holding my groceries this week.

On one hand I felt pride in the human spirit, that there's a guy who is willing to put himself out time and again for friends who leave sticky notes on their driver's window telling him what to do with their mess. But the nagging thought kept creeping up, that if he gave his own person half the attention and dedication that he did his "friends", he may be living a far better existence. His shoes may have fewer holes, and his hair might have seen scissors this year.

What can I learn from this guy? I can promise to put my own needs before those of others. I can evaluate a situation before taking action, and ask, "Am I going to be taking something away from myself by helping this person? Or will I be hanging in neutral, or maybe even gain something from the experience?"

So I acted on my thoughts. I stood up for myself today when someone tried taking advantage of me. Instead of rolling over, or allowing it to happen, (convincing myself that I was being a good person because it was helping them), I stopped it from occurring thereby preventing the negative impact it would have on my emotional health.

So take your sticky notes, and shove 'em!

Today I Was Blessed (from Jan 27th)

I wanted to share with you all the blessings God bestowed on me tonight. It's left me ever more aware of my strength and ability to overcome, and more sure of my spirituality -- I am not alone!

I got home around 6:00 after a rough doctor's appointment, a romp in the woods with Kula, and some Chinese food with a friend. The falling snow had recently turned to freezing rain, and the roads were starting to become slick. I knew getting up the hill of my driveway would be a challenge, but I was looking forward to conquering it.

I sped up as I approached the house, and made it half way up before loosing steam. I backed down, returning to the road for a second go. This time I made it a bit further, but still not all the way. I decided to back down again to leave the car in the road and snowblow it all before trying again. But, instead of rolling down to the road, I slid my way off the driveway into a snowbank. I was most definitely stuck! (How ironic for a AAA driver!)

Here I had a few options: accept the offer from a work friend to have him come over and use his chain and truck to drag me out; call one of the guys at work who was working to come by with the tow truck; find a local friend on the fire department to help; call AAA as a member and do what everyone else does; or wait until morning when a guy I know would be working and could swing by.

My desire was to find a solution which allowed me to retain my independence, not feel as though I owed anyone anything for the help, be respectful to my housemates in who I had stopping by, and know I solved the problem on my own. In years past, when I was single, my method would be to manipulate one of the men in my life to bail me out by making him believe he was a hero and coming to my rescue. While it was always quite effective, this isn't exactly a healthy message to be conveying. In recognizing that, I am finding myself in uncharted territory.

So, I called Mom to ask for advice. Right as she was counseling me to call AAA like a normal person, my neighbor, Sue came walking over. Sue had seen me get stuck during the last snow storm and asked if I needed a hand. I told her it wasn't a big deal, but if her husband, Dale had any advice to let me know (he was just finishing snowblowing their driveway.)

Sue returned with Dale, a snowblower (mine broke trying to get the car unearthed), and a shovel. Before I could express my gratitude they were going to work, not just clearing around my car, but the entire driveway, mailbox and widening the opening from the road. Sue and I shoveled side by side, and shared with me the experience of her 1st marriage, how Dale came into her life 7 years ago, their love for one another, faith in God, love for their families, growing up, you name it! She encouraged me to join them at church (a non-denominational Christian church which emphasizes community and spiritual togetherness), and said how sorry she was to hear about my relationship, offering me anything I might need.

Once Dale finished with the snowblower we tried moving the car. No luck. At that moment the plow was coming through our street. Dale waves him down and asks for his help. The town plower got out, and they all pushed while I sat behind the wheel. It took 3 tried before I was up the driveway!

I couldn't thank them enough, and Dale said, my agreeing to come over for dinner and games would be payment enough! Sue said that it was God's plan to bring us together. And I have to say, I couldn't agree more. I fought the urge to give in to my anxiety and call on a man to bail me out. Instead I opened myself up to my weakness and accepted my limitations. In return, God blessed me with a gift for my ability to make the right choice and helped bail me out through the kindness of human spirit. It was a testament that I can, indeed, survive and thrive on my own, because he is always watching over me.