Spring Cleaning

I'm not sure whether it's the warmer weather or insane sinus production from a rampant virus, but my days recently almost seem out of body, a mix between reflection and movie. The feeling is compounded by excessively vivid dreams which are likely the result of a prescription drug but leave my awake state a confusion of reality versus subconscious imagination. I've had more than one occasion where I honestly can't remember if my memory of an event in fact actually happened in my awake life. Trippy, really, but something I've come to accept as a side effect, and far less destructive than the heart-gripping anxiety of drug-free living.

Today I cleaned out a part of my car I had obviously not touched in years and found receipts and notes evidence of real memories my mind had long since packed away. They were reminders not only of places and people which are no longer a part of my life, but a time in which I was quite a different person. The car is less than five years old, which made me shake my head at how quickly life can change you.

Most items were things which I cared to hang onto, bits of fondness and good times, as most reminders of negativity I am all too quick to trash. I try to live my life with no regret. I recycle, support charitable causes, volunteer and try to find the best in every person. Why then was it not until today that I allowed myself to block out positive attributes of a person who hurt me? This person had changed as well, and in a way that left me hurt and disappointed questioning my belief in him. I've allowed myself to carry this feeling of deception wound up inside like a wad of anger, overshadowing the years of goodness he brought to my life.

It's invariably been toxic, and while his ways have obviously changed, I've decided to acknowledge that he is likely still the inherently good person he once was and see his new ways and nothing more than coping mechanisms or facades. I choose today, instead of looking at the bad, to remember the good.

And I also vow to acknowledge that life can change you at any and all speeds, and above all I should never allow my own happiness to be shadowed or twisted by another. These are the days of new life breaking through the old. While the fallen branches and old growth should not be ignored, they must also not stand in the way of the potential for a full life.

Anything But Thumb Twiddling

Well, it's been quite a while since my last post. This could either be a result of disinterest, lack of randomness in my life, or forgetting my blogger.com password. However, I'd like to credit an overwhelming flood of social engagements, random life occurrences, and progression towards a career (yes, one which actually involves monetary net gain.)

While deciding whether to pursue a Masters in Fine Art, I continued to drive the tow truck which brought health insurance into my needy life. At the suggestion of photographic mentors at Maine Media College, I signed up for photography workshops, entered an entirely new way of approaching the camera and subject and began a spiritual journey led by my Nikon.

On my 30th birthday I sat on a plan bound for Albuquerque, enjoyed fellow passengers signing to me along with a boisterous flight attendant, and picked up a hitch hiker which led me to my first documentary photograph (right.) Sonia was stranded, unable to rent a car without a credit card, in search of her husband who left the family abruptly in search of answers he believed could be found amongst peace loving hippies gathered in the desert for a Rainbow Festival. No goodbye, no notes, no promise of ever being seen again.

With the aid of a private investigator, Sonia was able to track his location, borrowed money from his parents to fly out, and was left with $200 to her and little Noemi's name. Her destination: Cuba, NM. Her hope: to find her husband among the thousands, have him look into Noemi's eyes and realize he couldn't leave them.

I took her on the ride to Santa Fe, smuggled her and her baby into my dorm room, stole food from the dining hall and took pictures the whole way. She left a day later having found a friend to lend a credit card. Her phone number has since been disconnected, and I suspect I'll never find out her destiny.

My summer began with the most unexpected, however. I started dating someone! I had absolutely no desire, or intention, but continue to be awed by how wonderful a relationship can truly be. No more feelings of making sacrifices in my life, or the need to please someone constantly with little in return. Since his entrance into my world, adventures have flourished. Trips into Boston to ride the carousel at midnight, lake jumping, folk festivals, playing arcade games soaking wet after a rogue ocean wave attacked, mountain biking at Lake Champlain, introduction to sushi, romantic getaways to historic mountain inns, ziplines through the forest, night time snow shoeing, bargain hunting at Cabela's, camping out in the freezing cold of Acadia, bomb school in New Mexico, summer concerts, and dinner parties.

The good news? He pushes me towards the unexpected, such as:
Channel 9 news clip