Spring Cleaning

I'm not sure whether it's the warmer weather or insane sinus production from a rampant virus, but my days recently almost seem out of body, a mix between reflection and movie. The feeling is compounded by excessively vivid dreams which are likely the result of a prescription drug but leave my awake state a confusion of reality versus subconscious imagination. I've had more than one occasion where I honestly can't remember if my memory of an event in fact actually happened in my awake life. Trippy, really, but something I've come to accept as a side effect, and far less destructive than the heart-gripping anxiety of drug-free living.

Today I cleaned out a part of my car I had obviously not touched in years and found receipts and notes evidence of real memories my mind had long since packed away. They were reminders not only of places and people which are no longer a part of my life, but a time in which I was quite a different person. The car is less than five years old, which made me shake my head at how quickly life can change you.

Most items were things which I cared to hang onto, bits of fondness and good times, as most reminders of negativity I am all too quick to trash. I try to live my life with no regret. I recycle, support charitable causes, volunteer and try to find the best in every person. Why then was it not until today that I allowed myself to block out positive attributes of a person who hurt me? This person had changed as well, and in a way that left me hurt and disappointed questioning my belief in him. I've allowed myself to carry this feeling of deception wound up inside like a wad of anger, overshadowing the years of goodness he brought to my life.

It's invariably been toxic, and while his ways have obviously changed, I've decided to acknowledge that he is likely still the inherently good person he once was and see his new ways and nothing more than coping mechanisms or facades. I choose today, instead of looking at the bad, to remember the good.

And I also vow to acknowledge that life can change you at any and all speeds, and above all I should never allow my own happiness to be shadowed or twisted by another. These are the days of new life breaking through the old. While the fallen branches and old growth should not be ignored, they must also not stand in the way of the potential for a full life.